Class Practice

LEGO Star Wars

Back on Track

Early, yesterday afternoon, I sat among dripping rhododendrons and shielded my journal with my coat sleeve. “I have been so slack in my quiet times,” I wrote, “and it has taken its toll. I am often arrogant, unloving, and insensitive. I am not encouraging, and in general have been immature and a taxing friend, if indeed I can even call myself a friend. I am a burden even to myself at times.” For some fifteen minutes now, I had been lamenting my failings and begging God to once again use me his way. I had been far too independent lately.

I looked up at the gloomy skies. “I am sitting in the trees, halfway up the hill to the baseball field. It’s raining a bit, but I really wanted time with God, alone in his creation, so I threw on my raingear and came up here. I sat for maybe ten minutes and sang my favorite praise songs—the ones I remember, anyway.”

A sudden deluge prompted me to place my journal back in my bag to keep dry, and I wrote nothing further that day. But I still prayed. I was somewhat cold and definitely distracted by the rain, so my prayers were unfocused and did not accomplish as much as I had planned. Finally, I gave up and made my way back to campus.

A few hours later, I went to Graverobbers, the prayer group led by Stephen Long. Nathan and my roommate, Laura, were the only others there, but the four of us closeted ourselves in a study room in the library and prayed for the coming semester. Then Stephen prayed focused prayers for each of us. When he came to me, he said,

“Father, I thank you for Audrey, and I thank you that she is not a feeler, but a thinker”—which is very true, by the way—“because it gives her a very firm grip on who she is in you. The word that comes to mind for you, Audrey, is faithfulness.” My eyebrow shot up. I had been repenting of unfaithfulness just hours before. Stephen said a few other things I don’t specifically remember, about my loving heart and the deep, strong love I have for others.

I guess God was telling me I was still going the right way, even if I had taken a back road that wasn’t on his map. I’d found my way back again, and even though I will probably take a wrong turn again within the week, he’s still got plans for me that he’ll see completed.

Reflections and rambles:

My name still means “Noble Strength”— I just need to remember the real source of my strength. God will use that strength in his own way, in his own time, but I need his help to channel it correctly. Strength of any and every sort is a thing very easily abused. To whom much is given, much is expected—but I can’t do it on my own. My independent will and stubborn nature make it easy for me to attempt solo missions. But I was not made to be a loner. There may be times when no other human being will stand at my side, but I will always have Jesus. All well and good, but I tend to ignore him at times, especially when I haven’t been spending any quality time with him. So! Lord. Help me to spend time with you, learning about and reflecting on who you are and what you may have planned for me. Help me to remember that I should never do anything on my own. I will always have your help, and your help is the only way to do things right. Sure, I might get things done, but not as well as if I’d listened to you. Help me to keep that in mind for at least a day. You know how often I “conveniently” forget I need you. Just keep bugging me until I listen. I’ll get it… eventually.